#93: Violet Crown Social Club

The Bar

Violet Crown Social Crown. 1111 E 6th St, Austin, TX 78702

Visited 7/19/17 @ 9:30pm.

The Drink

Orange Whip. Orange vodka, vanilla vodka, orange juice. $4.

This tasted like a frozen creamsicle version of the screwdrivers I drank a ton of in college: cheap, boozy, delicious, but extremely cold. It's a variant of the mango-favored Iron Whip, their most famous drink, which I have never tried even though I've been to Violet Crown dozens of times. In my defense, their regular drink prices are so good - $3 wells, $2.50 Lone Stars, cheap craft beers - that I didn't even think to try the special. Also it's frozen, and I generally don't like frozen drinks since I don't like having to fight brain freeze to get drunk. But once you accept the idea that this is a drink for sipping it makes sense, because this is the definition of a potent potable. I wouldn't want to have to operate heavy machinery after a few of these, and though I had not had a screwdriver in years before this drink, taste by taste it brought back all kinds of pleasant memories, because there's something about a screwdriver's flavor that never fades - the sweetness of orange and the sharpness of cheap vodka took me right back in time, to endless nights of drunken fun with friends. Taaka vodka and Simply Orange might not be a madeleine for everyone, but it brings me right back. And in the heat of summer, even anyone else should welcome one of these as well.

The Crew

Davis, Aaron.

Notes

I consider all the bars in this family - Barfly's, Mugshots, The Hideout, Bender, Pour House, Pour House Pints & Pies - as some of the last redoubts of traditional Austin drinking culture, which is interesting since Marcos, the owner, is an El Paso native and his first venue Barfly's has "only" been around since 2001. Regardless, he's got a formula that has worked perfectly everywhere he's tried: solid drinks, strong pours, great prices, and good crowds. Each one of the bars he owns is like the optimal version of whatever it's around, and so Violet Crown is just about the perfect East Sixth bar. You get the same impeccable bar service and affordable prices that all of this series of bars has, but with the expected eclectic hip crowd, some slightly fancier drinks, a solid patio (though it could be bigger), and excellent trailer food, with the first installation of what is now the pizza empire of Via 313 still parked right out front making phenomenal Detroit-style pizzas until late at night. I know I sound like a paid marketing shill, but in a city with as many bars as Austin has, and and especially with such pointless soul-searching agony over what makes something "authentic" or not, it's just really refreshing to find a bar where the biggest worry you'll have is when the next visit will be.

#92: Ah Sing Den

The Bar

Ah Sing Den. 1100 E 6th St, Austin, TX 78702

Visited 7/19/17 @ 9pm.

UPDATE: Ah Sing Den has closed.

The Drink

Maria Victoria. Mezcal, lime, toasted Thai pepper syrup, kumquat/orange, cilantro. $12.

My road to mezcal appreciation was a long one, with many detours. First of all, mezcal was not exactly commonly available until fairly recently, so I didn't have a lot of experience with it. Secondly, I had the common "tequila nights = brutal hangovers" superstition, and so the devil liquor and all its derivatives were demons to avoid. Third, I didn't have an appreciation for smoky flavored liquors until I took a trip to Scotland, where I learned that I actually enjoyed the peatier varieties of Scotch, which mezcal is similar enough to that I slowly became a fan. So when you combine its recent availability, my willingness to let go of my hangover apprehension, and my newfound appreciation for stronger liquor flavors, you have the perfect opportunity for a new drink to charm its way into my heart. While the kumquat was unfortunately not available this night, forcing them to substitute orange in its place, the rest of the drink really showed up. The lime enhanced the mezcal's smokiness, and the toasted Thai pepper syrup was exactly the right mix of spicy and sweet behind it. The cilantro wasn't actually in the drink at all, just perched on top of the ice for the floral bouquet, so if you're one of those people with a genetic/behavioral dislike for cilantro you can just pluck it out, no worries.

The Crew

Davis, Aaron.

Notes

Ah Sing Den is far from the first "concept bar" I've encountered so far on this trek, but it got me thinking about the power of marketing, and how differently two types of bar can appear to the casual customer. A year ago Ah Sing Den was East Side Showroom, a fancier Italian/Creole joint. They still served craft cocktails, but it had a different attitude/vibe about it. Now the same owners have opened this new bar concept and I found myself really digging what they have done. The interior is really nice, an example of the "opium den" style. I'm not sure why "opium den" has become a style - not only has essentially no one in Austin ever been to an opium den, I'm pretty sure that the real-life establishments where people take opium are not nearly so attractive and unsqualid as Ah Sing Den - but I guess the dim red lights and couches evoke an environment where you could do opium with a minimum of hassle, and they're hardly the only ones trying it on. I've heard that their food is good, but we didn't try any this time. The exterior section is even nicer than the interior, with some cool-looking red light lanterns, no two alike, and a lot of groovy 60s lounge music piped over the speakers. This would make for an excellent date spot (assuming, that is, that your date is into opium), but even just for cocktails it's a really classy joint. Amazing what some red lights and couches can do for the mood.

#91: Shangri-La

The Bar

Shangri-La. 1016 E 6th St, Austin, TX 78702

Visited 7/19/17 @ 8pm.

The Drink

Shangri-lada. Mount Gay black rum, Finest Call piña colada, cherry. $8.

Forget for a moment that the "real" Shangri-La was situated somewhere near Tibet; to judge by the drink that the bartender chose to represent it, Shangri-La is actually somewhere in the Caribbean. A frozen drink seemed right for the season. I'm generally not a huge fan of frozen drinks, due to the annoyance of brain freeze (I get my margaritas on the rocks), but in the Austin summer, colder is better. I first tried Mount Gay rum back in college, when someone gave it to me as a "hilarious" birthday present. It's actually a really good rum, which is unsurprising since it's the oldest rum still in production in the world. As for the piña colada portion, I don't think I'd ever heard of Finest Call before, but they make a totally serviceable pineapple/coconut mix. There are far worse drinks to consume in this miserable heat, but in case you're not feeling something frozen, they have a few draft beers and some pretty cheap cocktails as well. But then you'd miss out on the jaunty umbrella perched on the rim of this cocktail, and wouldn't you feel silly then!

The Crew

Aaron, Davis.

Notes

If the drink was drawn more from the Caribbean than the Himalayan, the rest of the bar is positively Polynesian. Though the tiki theme isn't overwhelming, in fact it might be more accurate to call it tiki accents, it adds a bit of color to the divey interior, which is typically dingy and underlit. It's a slightly different aesthetic than the other bars in this family, the Grackle, the Liberty, and the Brixton. I've mostly come to Shangri-La for post-show beers, because it's cheap and their pours are strong. There's a pool table off to the side of the main seating/standing area, on the other side of the jukebox, in case you get bored of talking to your friends or watching whatever movies they're playing on the TV.

Outside is where you want to spend most of your time though, on their enormous patio ringed by a palisade of rattan fence topped by lights. Interspersed among the big beautiful old oak trees there are long rows of picnic tables, a seating style I've always appreciated since it's both space-efficient and conducive to serendipitous conversation. They have always had consistently excellent food options available; though I miss the superb East Side King, you can't go wrong with Baton Creole, which is currently parked out back. Some bars do enough things well that they're natural magnets for meetups, and Shangri-La is definitely one of those go-tos.

Sixth Street Sector Roundup: Dirty Sixth Part 2

I really slowed down for the second half of Dirty Sixth. I did the first half in one month, and then spent almost four times as long on the rest of it. Looking back at my notes, it seems like the first half was conquered in a few massive swigs, while the second half had to be sipped patiently, a few drops at a time.

And yet even though it took longer, this stretch of Dirty Sixth went down far easier than the first half. Despite containing bars that are just as dirty, if you will, I didn't encounter any of the lows here that I did there. No bugs in my whiskey! No awful Rumple Minze shots either, or more than the expected number of gimmick drinks, which actually turned out to be quite good, more often than not. No matter if it was a college bar, a dive bar, a club; most of them really rolled out the red carpet for our crew, giving us a good selection of cocktails, and even when they were reduced to offering shots, they were always good and only very rarely tourist-priced. I lost count of the number of bars that bragged that they were "regulars-driven", but their boasts were based on some solid truths: somehow, despite it all, thousands of Austinites brave the parking and the heat, the drunks and the homeless, the festivals and the holidays, the tourists and the cops, the short pours and the hefty tabs, to make themselves feel at home on what is still at heart one large third place, a stretch of road nearly unique in the United States.

I think part of that sense of uniqueness comes from the historic preservation of the storefronts, which is similar to the spirit of Bourbon Street save for the fact that Bourbon Street was primarily residential before its transformation, unlike the commercial heritage of Sixth Street. Drinking is literally serious business here. You can't drink architecture, of course, but after enough visits, the aesthetic really grows on you. Robust brickwork, sturdy timber high ceilings, broad live oaks, just enough neon, and music everywhere - eventually you can't imagine a stretch of bars looking any other way. It's an interesting historical twist of fate that the preservation of the majority of Austin's vintage buildings was primarily accomplished by transforming them into bars, but perhaps it shouldn't be so surprising; even the oldest residential building on Sixth was itself once a bar. If you're looking for physical proof of Austin's dedication to the good life in spite of the heavy alcohol regulations imposed on it by a conservative state, just look around you!

And now for some statistics!

Top 5 Bars

Using a completely subjective formula that takes into account the quality of the drink, the ambiance of the bar, the friendliness of the bartender, and my own level of intoxication, here are my top five bars:

1. Touché
2. The Gatsby
3. Casino El Camino
4. Jackalope
5. Easy Tiger

Booze Brothers participating

Total: 26

• Aaron: 28
• Travis: 17
• Hannah: 12
• Davis: 11
• Karen: 8
• Rome: 6
• Kyle: 5
• Cristy: 4
• Louis: 4
• Chris: 4
• Cecilia: 4
• Vince: 3
• Gary: 3
• Stephanie: 3
• Michael: 2
• Kaylee: 2
• Kyle H: 2
• Phil: 2
• Charles: 2
• Geoff: 1
• Elijah: 1
• Cat: 1
• Ryan: 1
• Tim: 1
• Jacob: 1
• Bobby: 1

Establishments visited

Total: 28

• Bars: 27
• Venues: 1

Drinks consumed

Total: 28*

• Cocktails: 18
• Shots: 9
• Beers: 1
• Other: 0
• Wines: 0

* Obviously I drank WAY more than that.

Money spent

Total: $220.50*

* That doesn't include taxes, tip, or the food or extra drinks I bought.

#90: Rhino Room

The Bar

Rhino Room. 1012 E 6th St, Austin, TX 78702

Visited 7/14/17 @ 10:30pm.

UPDATE: Rhino Room has closed.

The Drink

Cucumis sativus. Cucumber vodka, St. Germain, lime, syrup. $10.

Before you ask, the name cucumis sativus has nothing to do with weed whatsoever; it's simply the Linnean designation for the humble cucumber, that surprisingly useful household gourd. Now that you know, you shouldn't be surprised that this tastes overwhelmingly of cucumber, which I liked and found very refreshing: a perfect summer cocktail. I don't think I've talked about flavored vodkas before. In general I'm all for them. Vodka isn't like scotch or bourbon, where the whole point is to taste the complex favors that the distillation/aging process has bestowed. Vodka itself should be tasteless, a blank canvas on which the drink artisan can use their palette of ancillary flavors, and the more appealing that blend, the better. I don't think it's possible to go wrong with cucumber, particularly in this heat, and the combination of the elderberry in the St. Germain with the citrus of the lime and the sweetness of the syrup worked out great. A+ would drink again, unless any of their other cocktails tempted me first.

The Crew

Kyle, Rome, Aaron, Davis.

Notes

Rhino Room has been around for about two years, replacing Pete's and El Matador. I didn't ever go to either of those bars, but I would absolutely return to Rhino Room. The ground floor level is a little cramped, in that subtle but unmistakable manner that lends a sense of exclusivity to most places which serve a lot of craft cocktails. If the definition of architecture is the articulation of space to produce an aesthetic experience, then get ready to be articulated shoulder to shoulder at the bar, since the place was pretty hopping on Friday nights. After we had had all the crowding we could stand (literally, since all the tables were occupied), we went upstairs to sit on their tree-lined patio and relax. Next to us there was a Connect Four board that a couple who looked like they were together were using. Connect Four is a solved game, but it's always a lot of fun to watch drunk people in relationships play competitive games against each other, in case there's any drama. Nothing happened, but it was a fun eavesdropping experience. I bet this place lends itself well to interesting experiences.

#89: Pete's Piano Bar

The Bar

Pete's Piano Bar. 421 E 6th St, Austin, TX 78701

Visited 7/14/17 @ 10pm.

The Drink

Lucky Duck. Pinnacle tropical punch, blue curaçao, peach schnapps, lemons, lemonade. $37.

That price is not a typo - this blue goblet of crushed ice and vaguely tropical liquor-adjacent fluids acting as a mournful duck pond costs as much as a night out on the town by itself. Granted, this schooner was split among the four of us, but that still makes for about 8 oz of "a delightful, drinkable gem" per person at $9 each. Not exactly a bargain, or a go-to order. It comes off like a watered-down Hurricane (insert your own "more like a tropical depression!" jokes), with just enough booze in it to ensure that it's still technically a cocktail while still leaving enough gustatory space in each gulp to leave the "yeah, that tasted mostly like blue flavoring" impression so characteristic of ersatz tropical-themed drinks, a race between your gag reflex and your brain freeze. But there's a duck in it! Look at that little guy!

The Crew

Davis, Rome, Kyle, Aaron.

Notes

There was a time in my life when I went to Pete's, if not on the regular, at least multiple times a year. Sometimes you just really want to hear about a hundred intoxicated late 40-year-olds warble along to a sub-radio edit-length piano-only rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody about once every 45 minutes, you know? It's a very particular itch to be scratched, to be sure, but when that extremely expensive group karaoke fever hits you, the only cure is paying a $10 cover to struggle for seats with seemingly half the world's population of accountants and then fighting their moms at the bar over who's next up to order a round of $8 Bud Lights. If not a paradise, it's a bracing reminder that there is no world but this one, and that this is your life.

I make it sound awful - and certainly the bitterly jaded and cynical current version of me thinks that it is - but when I cast my mind back to those more innocent moments in my drinking past, all I really remember is the good times. The showmanship of the musicians as they trade off their instruments and work the crowd into a bloodthirsty frenzy. The fun of winning that auction-style competition to request the next song by throwing all the Hamiltons and Jacksons you have into a pile to hear Tiny Dancer. The camaraderie of singing along with your bros to that 70s AOR standard while you're all sloppy drunk on some sickeningly sweet daiquiri derivative. And yes, even those comically overpriced drinks, which would make even the most mercenary Caribbean tourist trap owner blush. I guess fun is what you make it.

In conclusion, Pete's Piano Bar is a land of many contrasts.

#88: The Gatsby

The Bar

The Gatsby. 708 E 6th St, Austin, TX 78701

Visited 7/14/17 @ 8:30pm.

UPDATE: The Gatsby has closed.

The Drink

Old-Fashioned. Bulleit rye whiskey, Angostura bitters, bing cherry, orange. $7.50.

The fifth Old-Fashioned I've been served thus far, this was neither the greatest nor the worst, although now that I think about it I couldn't really pick a "worst", since all of them have been fairly enjoyable, even the wackier ones like Clearport's. There's a lot of room within the basic contours of the Old-Fashioned template for a bartender to use their creativity. I'm glad the bartender went with the rye whiskey variant over bourbon; even though I loved the bourbon version that Ruth's Chris made, I happened to be feeling more like rye whiskey that evening. She was really good at her job, jumping eagerly at the chance to make me something she thought I'd like, even offering to just dump more whiskey in my drink if I thought it needed more (I said yes). She talked up the bing cherries they carry, and I have to agree with her that a good cherry adds a lot to a drink - there's a reason that the "cherry on top" colloquialism exists! I found the excessive amount of ice cubes weird and more fitting for a cheap whiskey coke than for a classic cocktail, but hey: it's just ice, and we are still on Dirty Sixth after all.

The Crew

Kaylee, Michael, Aaron, Rome, Phil (not pictured), Charles (not pictured).

Notes

Friendly staff goes a long way towards making me consider going back to a place after this quest is over. The Gatsby is a decent bar in all other respects - solid drinks at reasonable prices, a nice interior with plenty of room for the live music they have occasionally, a spacious outdoor patio overlooking Waller Creek - and the great service provided by the bartenders each time I've been here has been a great X-factor that makes it really stand out. There's a lot to ponder about what makes "good service", since any bozo can slop liquor into a cup and hand it out to the person providing money for it. Why do some places have it while other places don't? According to the bartender, The Gatsby is owned by a former bartender who struck out on his own, and probably it's that same I've-been-in-those-trenches mentality that's been instilled in the current front-line drink-slingers to make them so likable. Running a successful bar is surprisingly difficult, as shown by the remains of countless fallen bars underneath the current crop like so many ancient Roman ruins, and even if The Gatsby didn't have all of its many physical charms, it would still be worth coming back to for its welcoming attitude alone.

#87: Easy Tiger

The Bar

Easy Tiger. 709 E 6th St, Austin, TX 78701

Visited 7/14/17 @ 7pm.

UPDATE: Easy Tiger has closed.

The Drink

Austin Beerworks Pearl Snap. $5.

I'm mildly surprised at how often this specific beer has been recommended. Not that it's been oppressive or anything, especially given how easy-to-like Pearl Snap is, just that it's notable that this is the beer that all these bars have synchronized on as the one to showcase themselves. Pilseners aren't even the most popular style of craft beer, and wouldn't you need a different beer for the hipster newcomers than for the surly longtime locals? Then again, it did get voted the "official beer of Austin" pretty recently, as you can read in that roundtable (you have to smile at the attempted literature in calling it "a cold-blooded assassin to Austin's ribald summer temperatures and a beer with the boisterous ethos of Texas, with the playful tenor of Austin's vigor"). Personally, I'm not sure I would vote for anything other than a dollar Lone Star special as the official beer of Austin, but maybe I'm just stuck in the past. Regardless, it is undeniably a fine beer for all seasons at a crisp 5.3% ABV.

The Crew

Rome, Aaron, Kaylee, Michael, Phil (not pictured), Charles (not pictured).

Notes

Easy Tiger is one of my favorite hangout spots on lazy days. They do just about everything right:

1. Food. They've got an excellent restaurant, with fantastic German-style dishes as well as a top-notch sandwich selection, with massive renditions of classics like the muffaletta or the Reuben. Their bread is superb - even getting a simple side order of bread and butter is satisfying. Try their pretzels. If I worked downtown, their $9 lunch special would tempt me every weekday, and right after that their happy hour specials are great too. Even better, they have a bakery, so you can take their bread home; several restaurants around town use their bread as well.
2. Drinks. The big board up by the bar has a broad array of beers, in nearly any style you'd care for, but they've also got a carefully curated cocktail list with their takes on a few of the classics. I haven't spent a lot of time on their whiskey list, but if you've got to go out drinking with one of those people, it should do the trick.
3. Setup. As we are all aware by now, I'm a big ping pong fan. Easy Tiger has three outdoor tables, and nothing is more fun than to play a few rounds, with rounds of drinks for stakes, right next to Waller Creek with a bench of admirers watching your attempted spin moves. The tables, plus their row seating, plus their indoor air conditioned table service, makes for good options no matter who you're with.
4. Service. I don't know how they manage it, but I've never had a problem getting a beer no matter how many people are crowding the patio. Their servers somehow always know where I am and that I need another Pearl Snap.

Their long-promised north location seems to have run into delays, which is a bummer, but as long as the original maintains its stellar quality, there's nothing to complain about.

#86: Clearport

The Bar

Clearport. 516 E 6th St, Austin, TX 78701

Visited 6/10/17 @ 9pm.

UPDATE: Clearport has closed.

The Drink

Old-Fashioned. Bourbon, cherry bitters, grenadine, muddled oranges. $10.

The unusual hue of this Old-Fashioned reflects the unconventional mix of ingredients that went into it. We are all well-acquainted by now with the standard set of elements that goes into a textbook Old-Fashioned, and indeed there are few drinks more satisfying than the classic, but far be it from me to stand in front of progress by discouraging an artist from adding more colors to her palette, assuming textbooks have palettes. The end result was far sweeter than just about any Old-Fashioned I've ever had, the already sweet Bourbon only amplified by the saccharine chorus of the other ingredients. I wonder what this would have tasted like with rye whiskey - to return to the painting metaphor, would the rye have balanced out the oranges and bitters/grenadine in a color triad, or would it have been too jarring? As it was, I didn't really taste the bourbon at all, and the cherry/pomegranate/orange flavors washed together in a muddled watercolor of berry and citrus. I think I would have enjoyed a traditional Old-Fashioned more, although I appreciated the experiment. It's hard to improve on an Old-Fashioned! That's the problem with experimentation: it's essential to progress, but not all of them work. At least with drinking experiments, you still get drunk.

The Crew

Aaron, Hannah, Travis.

Notes

Clearport is more of a concert venue and dance club than a bar, though like any good club it has its little nooks of seating and relaxation tucked away for patrons to enjoy in between rounds, sets, twerking sessions, or what have you. In terms of design there's a pretty cool multi-story layout, with long upper-level catwalks and landings looking down on the main concert stage that almost reminded me of an FPS level, although I assume that the only monster kills happening here involve energy drinks. I bet there have been some great Instagrams taken from the upper deck. The venue had the melancholy air of a ghost town during our visit, despite being mere yards away from the ROT rally, the largest motorcycle rally in the US. We spent a while on the top level enjoying the spectacle below, savoring the scent of E15 gasoline and the pops and growls of some truly odd-looking bikes promenading down the street. All public gatherings are built on ritual, and the display of customized chrome is quite a thing to behold from a distance. I'm not any kind of motorcycle buff, having internalized the warnings in Hunter S Thompson's classic essay The Song of the Sausage Creature at a young age, but everyone likes a parade, and there are far worse candidates for the stars of a parade than a gleaming new superbike with glowing green accents. There are worse places to watch one, too.

#85: Coyote Ugly

The Bar

Coyote Ugly. 501 E 6th St, Austin, TX 78701

Visited 6/10/17 @ 9pm.

The Drink

Gin and tonic. $6.

Asking a Coyote Ugly bartender what drink best represents the bar is a risky proposition, one of those bets that's almost all downside. The answer could be a warm Michelob Ultra at best to a $20 body shot at worst, and though I have so far been firmly dedicated to the principle of Dealer's Choice, only a fool stands on principle at Coyote Ugly, especially on a Saturday night, when ordering at the bar is basically reenacting that "Jim, Jack, Johnny Red, Johnny Black, and Jose; all my favorite men. You can have it any way you like it, as long as it's in a shot glass" scene from the movie. I declined to endure the farce of custom drink negotiations and just ordered my go-to. A gin and tonic is nearly impossible to ruin, making it the perfect port in the storm of a weekend rush. This wasn't a great $6 G&T, a watery, over-iced, sub-well quality concoction of disappointment in a plastic cup, but as a way to get us in and out in the shortest amount of time possible, it was worth every penny and then some.

The Crew

Travis, Hannah, Aaron.

Notes

No matter what city you're in, a Coyote Ugly is almost guaranteed to be the worst bar in town. What makes it so bad? Much like Bikini's, it targets an inherently unsatisfying market niche that combines the worst qualities of both a bar and a strip club without the upsides of either. For the bargoers, you get hammered-drunk out-of-town patrons and overpriced drinks; for the strip club aficionados, you don't get nudity but you do get blaring music and depressingly lame body shots, and you can even throw in the special kind of forced are-we-having-fun-yet desperate titillation of a Hooters or Twin Peaks. Even the mechanical bull at Trophy Room seems better in comparison, and in terms of bars with movie ties, Coyote Ugly is no Cheers, or Cocktails and Dreams - it's not even a Paddy's Pub. Can you tell I don't like this place?

In Coyote Ugly's defense, it's probably not literally the worst bar in town. There weren't any bugs in my whiskey like at 311 Club, or bugs crawling around on the bar like I've seen at The 04 Lounge, or any bugs at all actually. The sight of drunk girls dancing on a bar should raise a smile on the face of just about anyone - young or old, man or woman - and I imagine on a less crowded night you might actually get a chance to talk to the girls ("coyotes") and enjoy a more personalized experience. On a crowded night though, it's just a well-executed version of a lousy concept that somehow remains in business thanks to people who don't know or don't want any better, plus lame completionists like me. What a sobering thought - the idea of your own complicity in the very spectacle that you're decrying. Best to shelve those disquieting notions and move onto the next bar as quickly as possible, which we did.

#84: Casino El Camino

The Bar

Casino El Camino. 517 E 6th St, Austin, TX 78701

Visited 5/3/17 @ 11pm.

The Drink

Bloody Mary. Homemade mix, BBQ sauce, Worcestershire sauce, Guinness, Trinidad scorpion pepper, Carolina reaper pepper, Sriracha, capsaicin extract. $8.50.

Casino El Camino's Bloody Mary at spicy level 10 is one of the hottest drinks I've ever had. The Trinidad scorpion and Carolina reaper, at 1.2 million and 2.2 million units respectively, were each the hottest pepper in the world when they were first introduced, so the use of pure capsaicin extract took what already would have been a fairly spicy drink and turned it into a world of pain. I'm one of those Scovophiliac bozos who, when asked "How hot do you want it?", always smugly replies "As hot as you can get it!". Well, this drink washed that smug right off my face, down my gullet, and back into my face again. Multiple bartenders asked me, sir, are you sure this this is really what you want, and the smiles on their faces in response to my confirmation unnerved me, as did the double-price penalty if I didn't finish it. Well, I've overcome Scoville skepticism before, so I raised the glass and took a test sip first, just to see what I could taste: big mistake.

I had about a tenth of a second to ponder the flavor profile of the non-radioactive parts of the drink before a flow of lava, a wave of molten glass, a river of fire poured down my tongue and into my unsuspecting stomach. I paused, faced with a big decision. I've participated in spicy wing challenges before, and the #1 rule is to just keep eating, because the second you stop to acknowledge the pain and tears rolling down your face you're done for; it just doesn't get less hot when you slow down. Likewise with this drink: I could either admit defeat and pay for my hubris, or I could down it all in one go and transfer the torture from my mouth to my stomach. I decided to take the Scaevola path of honor and just chugged the drink as fast as I could. The drink has to stay down for it to count, so I sat at the bar and waited while each and every single one of my internal organs was coated with a mixture of enraged fire ants, active uranium rods, and poorly grounded 10-gauge electrical wire, until the pain settled and I could eat a burger in triumph, even if it was a Pyrrhic victory.

Next time I'll be fine with a level 8. Sheesh.

The Crew

Aaron, Kyle, Karen.

Notes

Casino El Camino regularly ranks highly on Best Burger in Austin lists, and might draw about as many patrons for the food as for the drinks alone. It's been open for 23 years, so it's been attracting all manner of guests (this was the last place I saw Leslie before he passed away) for the drinks and the burgers for long enough that it's clear they know what they're doing; they're much like Jackalope in that way. After a long night of drinking we took the plunge on the food as well - the gigantic and perfectly seasoned 3/4 lb Amarillo burger and cheese fries we ordered were the perfect delicious balms to soothe my poor stomach after the Bloody Mary had finished having its way with my insides. There's a secondary location down south, which maintains the excellent (and cheap!) drinks but sadly omits the food because unlike at this location, there they don't own the building. The decor is divey by way of the dark side, with all kinds of fun Satanic imagery like skulls and demons and whatnot festooning the dimly red-lit walls; the perfect tenth-circle closing joint to hit at the end of an evening drinking quest.

#83: Flamingo Cantina

The Bar

Flamingo Cantina. 515 E 6th St, Austin, TX 78701

Visited 5/3/17 @ 10pm.

The Drink

Caribbean hurricane. Myers rum, J Wray rum, pineapple juice, cranberry juice, sour. $9.

Every time I see the word "hurricane" in a drinking context, my liver involuntarily spasms at the memory of too many hurricanes in New Orleans. I have a lasting distrust of those brightly colored hangover machines, smuggling bleary mornings in under a cover of sweet sapidities and flashy glassware. My heart skipped a beat when the bartender recommended the Caribbean hurricane, but I'm firmly committed to the principle of dealer's choice, so I forced my rebellious stomach into calm and agreed to consume one. The Caribbean version is much like the New Orleans version: a delicious medley of tropical flavors that conceals a great crime of liquor. Myers and J Wray are both venerable members of the Caribbean rum family, with the former dating back to 1879 and the latter even farther back, to 1825. Our one-and-done discipline was a great help to me here, as the sweetness of the pineapple juice balanced out the tartness of the cranberry juice so neatly, betraying no hint of the rum beneath, that I would have certainly had another. When it comes to hangovers, your own greatest enemy is yourself twelve hours ago, and a piece of knowledge that memories alone can't seem to turn into wisdom.

The Crew

Kyle, Travis, Hannah, Aaron, Karen, Chris.

Notes

As a mere mortal, there are many, many things I don't know, but I'm still somewhat surprised that a bar on Sixth can have been around for 26 years without me having any knowledge of its existence whatsoever. Especially given its unique status as an independent woman-owned/operated bar, which is a true rarity on Sixth Street (the proprietress is named Angela); you'd think I would have at least seen it on a list or something. Regardless, this is a heavily Rastafarian environment, both in the general aesthetic of the bar/lounge areas and in the particular types of music they play in their capacity as a concert venue for reggae/dub/ska/Latin/hip hop/electronica acts. When we visited, there was a DJ spinning some background tunes - not to criticize him, but that's the non-impression his sonic wallpaper left on me. There's a sort of concert pit on the ground floor once you enter, with a ziggurat of seating ringing the two walls facing the stage. Upstairs is a smoking area with a kind of treehouse vibe to it, a giant oak shading a deck that overlooks the alley between Sixth and Fifth. The view from outside isn't so great, unless you're a connoisseur of leaf-obscured parking lot vistas; the real action is inside, where the people-watching offers a better chance of entertainment.

#82: Dirty Dog

The Bar

Dirty Dog. 505 E 6th St, Austin, TX 78701

Visited 5/3/17 @ 9:30pm.

UPDATE: Dirty Dog has closed.

The Drink

Black tooth. Whiskey, Coke. $2.

A whiskey Coke is one of the fundamental drinks of bar-hopping, for its simplicity and ease of concoction, for its reliable and predictable taste, for its balance of flavors between Coke's acidulous syrup and whiskey's aromatic pungency, and perhaps most of all, for its traditional cheapness. Dirty Dog doubled down on that last virtue, serving up what was by far the cheapest drink I've had so far. Granted, it's not like it was a full cocktail, but compared to some of the other shots I've gotten, this was a welcome surprise. We've mostly stuck to a round system on this journey, and the incredible sense of relief on someone's face when they discover that a whole round will cost them less than $20 is a sight to behold. No breaking the bank at Dirty Dog! Granted, we only discovered this drink after the bartender begged off of making anything fancier, but he was right: Dirty Dog is a dive bar, and a steady, reliable drink like a whiskey Coke is what you get.

The Crew

Chris, Karen, Hannah, Aaron, Travis, Kyle, Cristy, Louis.

Notes

I'd been to Dirty Dog a few times before in its capacity as a concert venue; they play mostly metal but also other bands in the hard rock vein. My fondest show memory is probably seeing The Life and Times there one SXSW, and my fondest non-show memory is drunkenly standing out in the street while Eve 6 blasted out the door during another SXSW, watching everyone else groove to their 30th favorite FM radio rock band. Dirty Dog also runs a tailgating tent during football season which is pretty decent. They're pretty regular-driven, which every bar likes to claim but which I can attest to in the case of Dirty Dog since one of my friends has been coming here for years and years. They have what is unquestionably the stupidest logo on all of Sixth Street, which tells you something about the kind of image they want to project. In general I'm a defender of what many would consider slovenly, unkempt, dirty dive bars, but something about the grossness of the logo is a little beyond the pale, even if it does represent the name. Still, one of the things that regulars appreciate about their dive bars is the barriers to entry that they place to repel outsiders, and if plastering a little cartoon dog humping a woman's leg all over the place helps build some solidarity among the regulars, then that logo will have done its job. Whatever; you're here for the cheap drinks, not to have your morals elevated.

#81: Two Bucks

The Bar

Two Bucks. 503 E 6th St, Austin, TX 78701

Visited 5/3/17 @ 8:30pm.

UPDATE: Two Bucks has closed.

The Drink

Whiskey sour. Jim Beam, simple syrup, Peychaud bitters, egg white, lime juice. $9.

An excellent whiskey sour! The bitters might not be standard in a whiskey sour, nor the substitution of lemon juice for lime, but everything else about it was pretty by-the-book. There are lots of drinks that I enjoy but rarely order, and a whiskey sour is one of them. I love whiskey, but for some reason I don't usually think to get a whiskey sour specifically; maybe the siren song of the very similar Old-Fashioned is just too powerful. I had thought that the Old-Fashioned was the oldest known cocktail, but evidently that is in dispute. Regardless, Two Bucks' version is excellent, everything you could want in a sipping cocktail. They have a number of other great cocktails as well; judging from my samples of everyone else's drinks, there wasn't a misfire among them. I can imagine that the more complex drinks might not advisable orders during the Friday night crush, but even with a small crowd on a Wednesday, they came out fast, strong, and well-crafted.

The Crew

Chris, Louis, Kyle, Cristy, Travis, Hannah, Aaron, Karen.

Notes

The blaring pop punk riffs of the classic 1999 Lit single My Own Worst Enemy greeted me as I walked into the bar, and I instantly felt at home. Curated by the bartender himself, a lengthy playlist of all of the songs you remember from FM radio during high school around the turn of the millennium accompanied us all the way through our visit, and it couldn't have been better-chosen. I'll readily admit that I can be pandered to, and almost nothing puts a smile on my face faster than the choppy operaticisms of Serj Tankian blasting out of the speakers. Two Bucks is the sister bar of Buckshot, which we had just come from, and it had been open for less than two months as of our visit. You wouldn't have known that by the number of people there, though, and while I wouldn't credit the awesome music for all of the crowd milling around, it surely didn't hurt.

Almost more appreciated than the music, though, was the fact that this was about the most laid-back craft cocktail bar I've ever been to. You're not going to see drink wheels at Midnight Cowboy, for example, and this place has four different drink wheels - one each for beer, shots, and cocktails, and then a special birthday wheel where each spin is $10. You won't see a giant Jim Beam-branded plinko board either, which takes up a whole chunk of wall in the back and offers a great way to spend a few minutes challenging your drunk friends to games of. I like the calm atmosphere of your standard craft cocktail bar, which gives you a place to concentrate on your drink and your conversation, and basically make you feel like a higher class of person. But it turns out that you can have your two-dollar-sign-on-Yelp cocktails in a more proletarian setting as well without losing anything. We barely even glanced at at HOU @ SAS during our visit, having a blast as we were, and moved on only with reluctance.

#80: Buckshot

The Bar

Buckshot. 422 E 6th St, Austin, TX 78701

Visited 5/3/17 @ 8pm.

UPDATE: Buckshot has closed, and then reopened elsewhere.

The Drink

Colt .45. Pearl pomegranate vodka, X-Rated liqueur, mango juice, spicy salt. $6.

At a shot bar, you get a shot. This was one of the bartender's favorites, or so he said. If I were a bartender, I'm sure at first I'd start out with an ambitious mission to sample the entire menu, before regressing into a jaded, surly drink-slinger whose hatred for concept shots is matched only by my contempt for my customers, but luckily our bartender actually cared about us. I haven't seen a whole lot of pomegranate so far on this journey, and was looking forward to it, but it was hard to taste over the mango juice and the liqueur, which according to their marketing copy is "a sensuous blend of ultra-premium French vodka and blood oranges, mingled with mango and passion fruit". I don't know about sensuous, except in the loose way that taste is a sense, but think a tropical fruit base, with the spicy salt making the whole ensemble taste like one of those tasty Mexican street snacks that's fruit dusted with Tajín chili powder. I'm not sure how that flavor relates to the name, but it was delicious all the same. Even better, they had well drinks for $1.50, so even if you hate Mexican street snacks like some kind of monster, you can wash it down with an insanely cheap gin and tonic. Which I did, followed immediately by yet another shot.

The Crew

Cristy, Louis, Aaron, Chris, Kyle, Travis (not pictured), Hannah (not pictured).

Notes

Buckshot is a shot bar, as you might guess from the name. Now, shot bars have a negative reputation among many people, for a few different reasons: they tend to have fairly no-frills decor, they often don't have a wide selection of drinks beyond shots, and, perhaps worst of all, they tend to attract the kind of people who go to shot bars, meaning people who want to get (even more) drunk as quickly as possible. Well, I don't care so much about decor as long as it's not actively unpleasant, I'm willing to accept a wide range of drinks, and the kind of person who goes to a shot bar happens to include me, and I tend to be very forgiving of myself.

One of my questions to the bartender was how he felt to be competing with Cheers, right down the street and far more of an institution. Everyone knows about Cheers. Well, Buckshot has existed since 2012, backed by Bob Woody as a silent partner no less, and with its few years under its belt it's been able to carve out its own place. Not just as "the other shot bar", even though it's always good to have choices, but as a full-fledged bar of its own. Another frequent criticism of a shot bar is that they don't tend to be conducive to becoming "your bar", since most shot bar patrons are one-round transients, yet they have plenty of regulars, and there's no enmity or sense of rivalry between the two (just as well, given how one-sided a rivalry would most likely be). I could see this being worth a fairly lengthy stop, although there's only a bit of seating, so it was with hesitation that we finished off the third of our three rounds, watched the end of TOR @ CLE, and departed.